Moving On

One of the ways that Satan attacks me is through my fear of abandonment. I have always struggled to make friends—it started out in my childhood (as most of these insecurities do). As I was growing up, my sister and my cousins were my only close friends. We lived in the country and there were no little girls that lived around. At school, I was always envious of the girls that had best friends because I had never experienced that closeness of a girl that wasn’t related to me. In the sixth grade, it finally happened—I had a best friend! Her name was Teresa and I thought she was the best. She was actually bossy and very negative but she wanted to be my best friend, so of course I was willing to put up with that. I remember that day of the Christmas parade that year. Mama let me stay after school and walk uptown with Teresa. We had a little money and I remember going to the Dime Store and buying a record (probably something by Donny Osmond). It was the first time I had ever been anywhere without an adult and I felt very grownup! When we met up with Mama, Teresa asked her if I could go home with her and spend the night. (Now one of the rules of our household was that we could have no guests overnight because there were 5 of us kids that had to share a bedroom—there just wasn’t room.) Mama told her no—well Teresa wanted to know why, so Mama told her that if I went home with her, she would want to come to our house and she couldn’t because we lived in a “barn”. That seemed to satisfy Teresa, but it embarrassed me. Well, the next day at school, Teresa wasn’t my best friend anymore—in fact she wasn’t my friend at all anymore. She told everyone in the school that I lived in a barn and she would have nothing to do with me—I was devastated. It would be three more years before I had a best friend again.

Over the past five years, I have made friends with many godly women. I have been involved in a small group of women for the past four years and have grown very close to them. In the past year, I have been feeling a nudging from God that I am to lead a group of women. I have fought that—put it in the back of my mind and moved on more than once. But in the past few months, He has been convicting me that I need to step out in faith and lead a group of women. I finally got up the courage to tell my friends that I won’t be returning to small group. I told our leader and she seemed very supportive of the idea—so I just sent out an email to the rest of the ladies. I got one response that I would be missed but no one else responded. I felt doubts creeping in—what if this is not what I am supposed to do?—have I hurt someone’s feelings?—was sending an email the coward’s way out?—were they even my friends to start with?—how can God use me to lead a group of women when I have never been successful at friendships? All this to say—Satan uses what ever he can to cause me to doubt God and His work. He uses the area where I am most vulnerable to attack—he is a liar and a thief!

This morning my devotional was on Psalm 142 which David wrote in a cave when he was hiding from Saul. (From Beth Moore’s “David: 90 Days with a Heart like His”)

1.David prayed

2.David cried aloud

3.David poured out his complaint to God

4.He rehearsed his trust in God

5.David longed for God’s presence

6.David confessed his desperate need

I was reminded that I need to pour out my fears to God and just trust Him—He has a plan for me. I want so much to be in the center of His will –for Him to be glorified in everything I do. I know that I am not a natural leader, so this endeavor with have to be led by God—He will just use me as the vessel. I am willing Lord—Send me!

I am still not certain of the group that I am to lead, but I will continue to pray about it and I know that God will reveal it to me when the time comes.

Oh Lord, I pray that I will be obedient to Your will for my life and that whatever I do will be done for YOUR glory and not mine—because Lord, Your word tells me that You will share Your glory with no one! I love you, Lord Jesus! Amen.