Waiting

I should be used to waiting by now! It seems all my life has been spent waiting on others.

The first instance that I can remember waiting involved my grandmother. I was very close to “Granny”—I spent every available moment with her. I would have lived with her when I was little if I could have! In fact, after my papa died when I was 11, I did practically live with her because she afraid to stay alone. Anyway, when I was 6 or 7 years old, Granny and my aunt and uncle were going to the lake for the weekend. They asked me if I would like to go and of course I said yes, but I had to go ask my mama and get some clothes together. We lived just across a big pasture from Granny, so I ran home and hurriedly threw some things together and hurried back to Granny’s. When I got there, her door was locked and no one was home. Papa had a store right next door and he was there but he said he didn’t know if Granny and Cookie (my aunt) had left yet—maybe they had to run back to Cookie’s house to pick up something? Well, I sat there on the curb at the gas pumps for hours—everyone that came by asked what I was doing and I enthusiastically told them that I was going to the lake with my granny. I remember watching the road—I can see myself watching every car that came across the bridge from toward my aunt’s house thinking that this would be them. Looking back, I wonder why my papa didn’t just tell me to go on home—I guess he didn’t want to see me cry?? Finally at dark, I headed home—rejected and so disappointed.

This is my granny with my cousin, Alan and me at the lake after a productive day of fishing. (Notice the kerchief--my Granny insisted on covering your head in the wind--might get an earache or catch a cold!)

It seems this started a pattern in my life—just put what I want to do on hold while I wait on others to come and rescue me. I have always been afraid to make plans because there might be no one to show up—or someone else may have something better planned. It disturbs me that I have allowed this fear to control my life—the fear of rejection—of being left behind—of being disappointed. Eddie learned a long time ago that anytime he mentions doing something—like going fishing or buying a piece of furniture or looking at cars—he may as well go ahead and get ready because if he says anything about it, I think we are going to do it right then! Don’t mention to me that you might want to do something, because once I hear it—I am ready to go and I think that is because I am afraid that you might go without me. I am almost always early to special events because I am afraid of being left out—especially if there is a group that is meeting to travel together somewhere.

The Lord has me waiting on Him in this season of my life. I have heard Him call me to lead a Bible study, but I am waiting on Him to reveal the ones that I am supposed to approach to invite to join. This is very stressing to me—to know that I am supposed to do this but when? Who? Will they come? What if …? I can only trust that the Lord will reveal His will and pray that I will be obedient to walk in it. The difference between waiting on people and waiting on the Lord is that I know the Lord will not leave me nor will He forsake me. He has promised me that He will always be with me and that His word says that He will fill me with joy in His presence. I praise Him that He is faithful and merciful--He is holy and just and without Him, I would be without hope.

Psalm 33:20-22

20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.